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All Your Football Jokes In Here
by Lewnics on Tue Jul 01, 2008 9:36 am
A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".
-------------------------------------------------------
Question: Why is it George Michaels lifetime ambition to play in goal for Celtic?.
Answer: Because he'd have 10 arseholes infront of him and 60'000 pricks behind him!
-------------------------------------------------------
A shabby looking young man wearing a Celtic shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once." Said the Tim
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Ibrox to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the huns decked in full Celtic gear."
"My, that is brave!. When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago...".
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: If you see a Celtic fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him??
A: It could be your bike!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Celtic fans use as a form of contraception?
A: Their personalities!
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What has a dead dog on the road have in front of it that a dead Celtic fan does not?
A: Skid marks!
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if you see a Celtic supporter with half a face?
A: Stop laughing and reload!
-------------------------------------------------------
Walter Smith was looking to sign some new players to help Rangers title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old striker and immediately signs him on a 3-year deal.
On getting back to Scotland,Smith takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting line up for the big away game against Celtic.
The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as Rangers romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news.
"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me, even them twats on the radio clyde phone in love me. Life is great!"
"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today?. Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers".
"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry" "Sorry?" She yells down the phone, "You're fucking sorry? It's YOUR fucking fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There totally wrecked, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends putting our differences behind us."
The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely, this must indeed be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan.
The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Rangers fan grins and then replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
-------------------------------------------------------
A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan are walking along a beach, when they see an old bottle.
The Celtic fan picks it up, and takes out the cork.
Out pops a genie who says, "I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes each."
wish 1 - "OK then," the Celtic fan says, "I wish every person in Glasgow was female apart from me."
wish 1 - "I'd like a superbike," says the Rangers fan.
wish 2 - The Celtic fan, wanting better than the Rangers fan says, "I wish everyone in Europe was female apart from me."
wish 2 - "I'd like a helmet for my bike," says the Rangers fan.
final wish -"I wish everyone in the World was female apart from me." says the Celtic fan.
final wish - "I wish the Celtic fan to be gay!" retorts the Rangers fan!
-------------------------------------------------------
There was this girl on holiday in Miami. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs.
Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up.
Poof! Out emerged a genie, who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired.
"Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she requested.
The genie uttered "your wish is my command" and wiggled his finger. Woosh!! Woosh!! Immediately before her eyes, appeared Aiden McGeady and Artur Boruc!
-------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------
NOW for the Jokes Against Rangers (well i must be fair)
Question: How many huns does it take to tile a roof?
Answer: Depends how thinly you slice them.
-----------------------------------------------
Daniel Cousin walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Cousin "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Cousin . The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker....".
--------------------------------------------------------
Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to take it home to show his parents.
"Look what i've found lying in the gutter" he tells his father as he steps in the front door. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his father "throw it in the fire !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his mother " throw it in the bin outside !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside when he bumps into his big brother. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his brother "throw it out on the gutter !"
"Oh for f*** sake" says Sean. "I've been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i've been re-routed 3 times !!".
-----------------------------------------------------
A Rangers fan is out walking his 3 legged greyhound one day when a genie appears and grants him a wish. after thinking for a minute he says 'I want this dog to win the derby'. the genie says 'a three legged dog winning the Derby, cmon be realistic man'. ok says the Rangers fan how about the Rangers winning the champions league?. to which the genie replies ' what was the one about the dog again?'
-------------------------------------------------------
A reporter for the Daily Record is walking through the park where 2 young boys are playing football. a dog runs over to them an attacks 1 of the boys. Without thinking the second boy beats the dog to death with a stick. Impressed by the boys quick thinking the reporter writes "brave Rangers fan saves his friends life", but the boy tells him that he's NOT a Ger. So the repoter writes "brave Thistle fan saves friends life" So when the boy says he doesn't support Thistle either, the reporter asks who he does support, and when the young kid says Celtic, the reporter changes the headline to "Celtic Fan murders family pet
--------------------------------------------------------
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".
-------------------------------------------------------
Question: Why is it George Michaels lifetime ambition to play in goal for Celtic?.
Answer: Because he'd have 10 arseholes infront of him and 60'000 pricks behind him!
-------------------------------------------------------
A shabby looking young man wearing a Celtic shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once." Said the Tim
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Ibrox to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the huns decked in full Celtic gear."
"My, that is brave!. When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago...".
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: If you see a Celtic fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him??
A: It could be your bike!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Celtic fans use as a form of contraception?
A: Their personalities!
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What has a dead dog on the road have in front of it that a dead Celtic fan does not?
A: Skid marks!
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if you see a Celtic supporter with half a face?
A: Stop laughing and reload!
-------------------------------------------------------
Walter Smith was looking to sign some new players to help Rangers title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old striker and immediately signs him on a 3-year deal.
On getting back to Scotland,Smith takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting line up for the big away game against Celtic.
The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as Rangers romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news.
"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me, even them twats on the radio clyde phone in love me. Life is great!"
"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today?. Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers".
"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry" "Sorry?" She yells down the phone, "You're fucking sorry? It's YOUR fucking fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There totally wrecked, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends putting our differences behind us."
The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely, this must indeed be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan.
The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Rangers fan grins and then replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
-------------------------------------------------------
A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan are walking along a beach, when they see an old bottle.
The Celtic fan picks it up, and takes out the cork.
Out pops a genie who says, "I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes each."
wish 1 - "OK then," the Celtic fan says, "I wish every person in Glasgow was female apart from me."
wish 1 - "I'd like a superbike," says the Rangers fan.
wish 2 - The Celtic fan, wanting better than the Rangers fan says, "I wish everyone in Europe was female apart from me."
wish 2 - "I'd like a helmet for my bike," says the Rangers fan.
final wish -"I wish everyone in the World was female apart from me." says the Celtic fan.
final wish - "I wish the Celtic fan to be gay!" retorts the Rangers fan!
-------------------------------------------------------
There was this girl on holiday in Miami. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs.
Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up.
Poof! Out emerged a genie, who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired.
"Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she requested.
The genie uttered "your wish is my command" and wiggled his finger. Woosh!! Woosh!! Immediately before her eyes, appeared Aiden McGeady and Artur Boruc!
-------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------
NOW for the Jokes Against Rangers (well i must be fair)
Question: How many huns does it take to tile a roof?
Answer: Depends how thinly you slice them.
-----------------------------------------------
Daniel Cousin walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Cousin "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Cousin . The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker....".
--------------------------------------------------------
Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to take it home to show his parents.
"Look what i've found lying in the gutter" he tells his father as he steps in the front door. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his father "throw it in the fire !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his mother " throw it in the bin outside !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside when he bumps into his big brother. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his brother "throw it out on the gutter !"
"Oh for f*** sake" says Sean. "I've been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i've been re-routed 3 times !!".
-----------------------------------------------------
A Rangers fan is out walking his 3 legged greyhound one day when a genie appears and grants him a wish. after thinking for a minute he says 'I want this dog to win the derby'. the genie says 'a three legged dog winning the Derby, cmon be realistic man'. ok says the Rangers fan how about the Rangers winning the champions league?. to which the genie replies ' what was the one about the dog again?'
-------------------------------------------------------
A reporter for the Daily Record is walking through the park where 2 young boys are playing football. a dog runs over to them an attacks 1 of the boys. Without thinking the second boy beats the dog to death with a stick. Impressed by the boys quick thinking the reporter writes "brave Rangers fan saves his friends life", but the boy tells him that he's NOT a Ger. So the repoter writes "brave Thistle fan saves friends life" So when the boy says he doesn't support Thistle either, the reporter asks who he does support, and when the young kid says Celtic, the reporter changes the headline to "Celtic Fan murders family pet
--------------------------------------------------------
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".
Lewnics
PSN: fred180476
WE ARE THE PEOPLE
PSN: fred180476
WE ARE THE PEOPLE
Re: All Your Football Jokes In Here
by Lewnics on Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:15 pm
Lewnics
PSN: fred180476
WE ARE THE PEOPLE
PSN: fred180476
WE ARE THE PEOPLE
Re: All Your Football Jokes In Here
by Lewnics on Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:16 pm
Lewnics
PSN: fred180476
WE ARE THE PEOPLE
PSN: fred180476
WE ARE THE PEOPLE